In a couple of days I’ll be vacating my vinyl cabin on the beach, and I’m kind of happy about it- well of course, I’ll be moving back to my own home after 3 months, and who does not want to be in their own home? It’s true I made the best of it, enjoying the simple solitude of my evenings here. No TV, no housework to speak of, nothing that ‘needs’ doing. Just me and my me-ness. This cabin served it’s winter purpose for me, allowing me close proximity to my mom during the shortest days of the year.
But lately I have been dealing with an agitated unsettledness and some emotional episodes of feeling pulled in too many directions; not cracking, but it felt close, which was a signal that I was reaching a saturation point of living in two places each winter over the last three years away from my husband, (but for the weekends) and of the continuous circle run between my mom, work and home. Not much down time.
But I’m now un-agitated and so far un-cracked, so that’s good.
Once back home I will still do the drive up to my mom’s after work to check in with her for a few hours, so I’ll still be Here and There, but the days are getting longer and won’t have to deal with dark boat rides home, and my summer lay off is in a couple of months.
You know it’s funny how in our 30’s and 40’s we never give our parents’ future a second thought. Thinking they’ll always be there, they’ll always have each others company and look after each other, and they’ll always be independent and strong.
We raise our children then turn to care for our parents. Natural order of things is all.
I had intended to rent my vinyl beach cabin till the end of March but I called the owner on Sunday to let her know I would be vacating at the end of this month. It’s been three winters now that I rented away from home, away from my husband. When I go home on the weekends it just doesn’t feel long enough. It doesn’t help matters that when my husband works he is away for weeks at a time too. I feel out of touch with my home, with my neighborhood. Like a visitor.
At the moment my siblings and I are beginning again to make arrangements to move our mother down to where we all live, something I was trying to make happen last year because I said to myself, husband and siblings that I can’t keep living away form home like this. But I can’t stand the thought of my mom up here by herself everyday until a weekend when one of us can come and take her out. She’s unable to drive so she can’t just up and decide to head out on her own. She’s a shut in. It was my solution to rent near her although extreme maybe, and because I was the more flexible of us, the more independent of us, I don’t know, I just did what I knew I could do, wanted to do without question.
But I most certainly can’t anymore. I’m feeling stress now. Of course where my home is has a lot to do with my decision to rent up here, If my husband and I lived in town it would be much less stressful. A move for my mom must happen this summer, so by the winter she’s settled. I want her to be part of our loop by living in our small city. So my siblings, her grandchildren and great grandchildren and I can without much arranging swing by during our day or evening and spend time with her. One brother struggles with even affording the gas it takes to drive up here to see her in her current home, my sister works all week 9-5, my other brother is nearly non existent other than the obligatory visits, but usually it’s just a phone call, on birthdays and christmas.
Gestures of moving her last summer was progressing, but then it all got bogged down with financial questions that she wouldn’t be able to afford to live in a private Independent Care accommodation. That maybe she could just increase her home nursing care instead and stay where she is. My mom is part of a Life Interest Estate from her second husband which involves its own set of logistics that had needed to be addressed early on in the process so we would know how to conduct the whole transaction of moving. So another winter came and here I am.
Now we know she can afford the move and my siblings are now fully engaged.
Just needing to breath all this out, thank you for listening.
I think I may be one. Something about the velvet cloak of the night that stirs and wakens the reflective, or creative state. Tonight is such a night or could be if only I could stay up late, but tomorrow is work. It’s 9:50 p.m. in Vancouver and the wind is blowing across the water causing large starry openings in the night sky, and pushes against my little vinyl cabin. And I love the wind. I think it may make me restless, want to run along beside, want to hitch on and be taken. And the music on CBC is so good tonight, It’s always good late. So many enticements to refrain from sleep~~
Here on the North West Coast we’ve been held captive by a stealthy, steel silver, moist oppressor for going on two and half weeks at least. Where is the Mercy! I know the sun shines brilliant just one hundred and so feet above and oh I am starving for it! So what can I do to stave off this hunger, this bone chilling, depressing dampness, to keep from noting how pallid I’ve become, how lethargic, how UHHG?!
I know, I’ll take Pictures. And share the joy.
I feel better already~
Well that’s over with. The eating, the gathering and well- eating again. (I did not eat a pound of christmas fudge, who told you?) I’ve had my seasonal break from work, spent time at home, slept in, meandered, and watched the whole Marco Polo series on Netflix and caught The Hobbit, Battle of the Five Armies. All in all a comfortable hiatus.
Enough of that, back to work.
And back to my vinyl cabin at the beach this stormy January 4th night. I will resume my Monday to Friday stays here until the end of March, and while my being here is to be in close proximity to my mother, I have begun to savor my seaside cabin in a way for the quiet solitude in which I can write without distraction during the evenings.
And when compared to my Island home, the logistics here are a breeze. Why, I can just get out of my car here with groceries and take but a few steps before putting them down on the table! I swear to you there are many times I will “handle” bags, or whatever has to be transported from town to Island home, up to 5 times before they hit the kitchen counter. But it’s the price we pay for, uh paradise.
And it helps work off fudge.
So it’s been working out well, this split world I’m presently straddling between my Island home and Parksville. I go “Home” on Friday after work and come back to my Vinyl Cabin Monday after work to spend the week. Dropping by my mother’s for a few hours, seeing how she is, taking her for a walk, taking her swimming for Aqua Fit for seniors every Thursday morning, (I take that day off since my work week is four days on -three off, I can switch out the Thursday and work the Friday), which she is really enjoying. I think we spend more time laughing and floating around while trying to keep up to the instructor. But any movement is good movement!
Most times her good friend Peter meets us there.
My time at home is full too, not wanting to forget I have a man there that needs reacquainting with.
I think I may need to come up with a better solution here. Come March I won’t be renting up here as the rent fees go up enormously for the High seasons, but I’ll still be driving up and back nearly each day all throughout the summer when I’m laid off- and Winter will again be around the corner. What will I do then?
Normally I don’t like to think hypothetically, not to cast too far into the future with what ifs. I usually take things as they come, and this tactic has worked for me for the most part. For the other part I would’ve wished I had better planning skills.
It may be that my mom’s condition or situation will change by this time next year, but if it doesn’t and she still remains in her own home will I again look for rentals?
Over the last 10 months we’ve had an RN that comes every morning to assist her with getting up and dressed, to give her a smoothie (banana, strawberries, yogurt, protein powder, and almond milk), and to administer her meds. Twice a week the nurse helps with her bath.
With that, we her children, can feel secure knowing someone is there with her first thing in the morning when she’s the wobbliest, and shakiest. The rest of the day she’s pretty good, other than the fact she’s by herself in a gated community.
It’s up to us to keep too much solitude at bay, to get her out exercising, socializing, engaged, and she needs to be assisted with all of this. She uses a walker, a cane for short distance, and she has onset of dementia.
And she’s such easy company, bright outlook, and up for almost anything I throw her way.
The fact is the majority of my life is up here and will be until her situation changes, even if or when she moves into a Full Care Facility, it will likely be up here too. The Care Homes in my town I wouldn’t want to see her in- except for one, but the wait list is years.
How do I….bring it all together into a seamless flow?
Or is this something I’ll just need to continue to juggle?
Thoughts of buying and moving here are swimming around my mind…