Dementia came in and brought its suitcase today. It brought its furniture and all its curios and closed the door on the outside world.
Sheathed in the skin of its host it shone through her eyes with vehement curses, it raised an arm and pushed sincerity and love from its post. Banished all that was once welcome and noble.
It filled in the recesses left there with doubt and defense, with anger. It hissed of betrayals and mocked the heart.
It pulled the shade and allowed no bid farewell.
Ok. It was a hard day today. Hardest. A cruel appointment with this condition that I have yet witnessed. I am reeling as I sit here having come home from the hospital 2 hours ago. I am alone, but I’m all right that my husband is away working. Even though he would be holding me right now with tears in his eyes saying sincere consoling things, I need to be alone. To process. To write. This helps me sift it all through.
What started as a pleasant day devolved into banishment. All of it directed at me, all of her loses because of me. I am the villain. Hearing her speak of me as she did, turn her face away, but it was her taken over by this is what took the breath out of my lungs.
I won’t take it personally, that is ego and it has no place here, because it’s not her, it’s not me it’s the disease. But still. It was like a hammer.
I lost her today. But maybe tomorrow she’ll be back and I’ll be reinstated to her heart.