A Little Space

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I finally tackled the upstairs room, pulled away the things that needed to go, rearranged a desk, a set of drawers for printing paper, envelopes and pens etc.,a bookcase and brought that big ol rubber plant, that I was really wanting to move somewhere else like out to the road to go to somebody else’s house, from downstairs to tuck into the corner upstairs by the window.

I have the challenge of making everything fit and be aesthetically pleasing because I am dealing with an A-Frame room, in other words nearly 4 feet of floor space along the wall on both sides of the room is useless for bookcases and floor lamps, cramping an already small space as it is! I also have no way to hang any pictures or cork board, so I’ll need to be creative in ways to do it. De-cluttering was key, having only essentials and it’s made a cozy nook and it works. The rubber plant did the trick in perfectly occupying a slopping corner and giving the space a warmer feel.

Now I have a quiet removed area to write, read, practice my guitar and look out the large window to the sea!

Now what I need is to create a studio space somewhere on my property. That may pose a greater challenge.

Own Worst Enemy

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Everybody falls prey to this once in a while, we beat ourselves up for acting foolishly or for not doing something that later we regret and wish we had. We can be hard on ourselves and tell ourselves to smarten up, to get it together, even to not be so stupid! And if we’re not diligent before we know it we’re on a slippery slope of negative self talk, turning a back on ourselves, to be abandoned to the wolves.

Last week I fell into that trap; it insidiously got a choke hold and squeezed out my level-headed, glass half full nature all together. As the day progressed I began to berate ALL my life choices, and all the things I had set out to accomplish but didn’t quite complete; the things I could have been and done had I not lacked courage and confidence.

Then I scolded myself for lacking courage and confidence!

I was so disgusted in my credulity. I was disappointed in thinking myself not  intelligent, clever, talented, socially cool enough, not achieving enough. I even compared myself to other women friends going back over 30 years ago and reprimanded myself for not being the Wonder Woman like they had been, juggling child/home/relationships while pursuing career with focus, tenacity and…oh yeah, COURAGE and CONFIDENCE!

OMG, it was like being on a waterside except I wasn’t squealing in glee towards a lovely warm pool but more into a frigid abyss of self-deprecation and feelings of inferiority!

In a sense I took myself to a back alley and beat the stuffing out of myself.

I don’t know how I had let myself succumb to such low blows, and I wasn’t wallowing in self-pity, I was pissed off at myself! I reprimanded myself for all the things I didn’t fight hard enough for, then once more with twice the passion for not fighting even harder for myself and what I wanted to fulfill in my life. I railed against every misstep, character flaw, and opportunity lost through my entire life up to now!  Sure I’ve confronted these same self doubts before but this time it was so much more. Hey, I’ve done some grand and yes courageous things that I’m proud of and I’ve shown confidence many, many times too. Why would I discount that then? Why was this so intense this time, why discredit myself so harshly? I wasn’t making any attempt to rescue myself from myself!

After a few days and having regained my composure I had to acknowledge the real fault was in my perspective and attitude when I lambasted my perceived shortcomings. We all want to be the best of ourselves at all times, to make precisely correct fitting choices, to always take the right roads in our lives. To be confident and courageous in all our decisions and conduct. What we want is perfection.

So instead of harsh self-criticism perhaps self compassion is the key here. To acknowledge the journey was and will continue to be  bumpy in places, to know there will be gaps and holes in the pursuit of goals and expectations. The message for me here is to forgive myself for being imperfect, recognize the good stuff  I do do (haha) and get realigned with my core values and celebrate my brilliant imperfection!

Ok, this is good, now it’s getting exciting, I like this water slide much better!

self esteem

It’s a Good Thing

I was sorting and cleaning through some baskets that had a collection of old magazines thinking it’s time for them to go to recycling, and in this particular basket was a stack of Martha Stewarts going back to 1995! IMG_4705 I was about 37 at that time when I became a Martha Stewart follower of sorts. I had by then been married a few years, had my first home with my new husband in this small, rural, tight knit little island community (all my adult life up to that point was lived in apartments) and best of all a yard with plenty of garden space. Our house was still in renovation mode and I had discovered baking. So when I picked up Martha’s Mag in ’95 I was inspired.

I saw beautiful home design ideas, garden design ideas, and great recipes. She was offering up exactly what I wanted to see and do at that precise time in my life! She sated my “Homemaking” Jones. I began making my own mayonnaise. And who can beat her organizational wonder works! Those calendars at the beginning of the Mag where we are privy to her day by day “To Do’s.” Seriously- does anyone do that? Well, she’s a busy woman and I suppose it does illustrate a workable guideline to make sure all those tasks get done. And she was in empire building gear at that time after all, so, you know she needed to keep all her ducks in a row at all times. IMG_4707 Revisiting these magazines I also remember the talk show interviews with Martha and the female audience members nearly distraught with her for expecting these working moms/wives to be all and do all, “I can’t make 5 dozen cupcakes after work/managing kids and house all day/with fresh edible candied flower garnishes from my organic garden for my daughters PTA meeting night, I don’t have the TIME! What are you doing to the feminist movement, WTF Martha?”

Being perhaps a micro manager/control freak and maybe a bit cool, detached and emotionally remote aside, Martha did seem to tap a timely nerve that would bring Home to centre stage again- maybe with us kicking and screaming in tow-but who can argue that Home isn’t where societies are formed, education begins, and good things could be found? I now know how those women felt as my life proceeded to get extremely busy too and so many things had to eventually be pushed aside. Like cooking, and baking, and tending a garden, and painting the living room feature wall. Hmmm. But I digress.

Although I didn’t do what was in her Magazines per se, she supplied more the atmosphere of how I desired my surroundings to manifest with visual cues and the ambiance I internalized that her images provided. That lusciousness of life that seemed attainable to all if we took the time, if we had the time. And as I again look through these pages today it brought back the feelings of being Home and making a Home, and reminded me of how fired up I had been back then to prepare my garden, implement a landscaping idea, choose a paint color, learn about Farmstead cheeses, and bake the perfect scone.

I decided these magazines needed to remain in the basket, at least for a while longer and since I am once again refocusing on Home and Garden I may need an infusion of uber ideas from Martha the Maverick Mavin to instill my original passion of taking pride and pleasure in the endeavor of the lost art of Homemaking.

Don’t Explain

Zana Age 3
Zana age 3

When an individual asks the artist to explain what their intent or meaning was when creating a particular piece it really is none of that individuals business. That would be robbing the individual of their own interpretation, which ultimately is the only one that matters.

Art should never be publicly explained. I don’t want to read about what the artist was thinking when showing their work or who influenced them. The work is what it is regardless. How would knowing change how you perceived the work? Inevitably my viewing is going to be different anyway, and different again from the person standing next to me looking at the work. What I see and how their work affects me are in the realm of my personal experience.

That is the message of ART, we view art work through our own life experiences and no two experiences are the same and so will deliver a different meaning and interpretation to each viewer.

If the artist’s intent is recognized and understood by the public exactly as the artist intended, fine. Still ultimately Art is SUBJECTIVE.

Shrouded

The fog is back! Well, I suppose it’s a small price to pay living on the Wet, I mean West Coast; those poor East Coasters still digging themselves out from under the ice and snow. Here’s my world this morning on my commute to work. Have to admit fog brings its own beauty to the table, but oh can hardly wait for the sunny days to come!

My dock on P.I.
Log booms loom long, low and dark, town harbour beyond

 

Coming into the inner harbor
Coming into the inner harbor, the Herring boats have been working the last few days

 

The gas docks
The gas docks

Foot Bondage

On a trip to a bigger city I came across a shoe store, now I need to pause right there because my little city is O.K. in the shoe department but limited to just short of Fabulous. ( no let me rephrase, a lot short. )

Or does my little city have shoe stores straddling the fence of the outlandish and quirky. So when I see these over the top styles I am drawn like a moth to the flame.

They are little pieces of Art to me, but completely without function! I texted the photos to my daughter and she thought they were specialty cakes! That would be adorable.

She She shoes 2015
She She shoes 2015
She She Shoes 2015
She She Shoes 2015

I need to know who wears these? Does the woman who buys these walk in them or are they just for sitting, then is she to be carried to the car when the party’s over? Can she walk in them and what would that look like?

Now these shoes, I would wear these. No, I wouldn’t. Even though they are not so ridiculously high, I fantasize  about being the woman who could confidently wear these, strutting along like, ‘”What ever they are just shoes,” and that I would feel even remotely comfortable in a pair like these.

She She Shoes 2015
She She Shoes 2015
She She shoes 2015
She She shoes 2015

But the truth of the matter is I’m all about comfort and being practical. Like these beauties here, the Alaskan Tennis shoe, A.K.A. Xtra-Tuffs. I bought these in Ketchikan when I worked as a Baker at a fishing resort. Practical and Functional and on my second pair!

Does comfort always trump fashion for you?

My Xtra-Tuffs
My Xtra-Tuffs