My Here and There is coming to a close. Sort of.

 

In a couple of days I’ll be vacating my vinyl cabin on the beach, and I’m kind of happy about it- well of course, I’ll be moving back to my own home after 3 months, and who does not want to be in their own home? It’s true I made the best of it, enjoying the simple solitude of my evenings here. No TV, no housework to speak of, nothing that ‘needs’ doing. Just me and my me-ness. This cabin served it’s winter purpose for me, allowing me close proximity to my mom during the shortest days of the year.

But lately I have been dealing with an agitated unsettledness and some emotional episodes of feeling pulled in too many directions; not cracking, but it felt close, which was a signal that I was reaching a saturation point of living in two places each winter over the last three years away from my husband, (but for the weekends) and of the continuous circle run between my mom, work and home. Not much down time.

But I’m now un-agitated and so far un-cracked, so that’s good.

Once back home I will still do the drive up to my mom’s after work to check in with her for a few hours, so I’ll still be Here and There, but the days are getting longer and won’t have to deal with dark boat rides home, and my summer lay off is in a couple of months.

You know it’s funny how in our 30’s and 40’s we never give our parents’ future a second thought. Thinking they’ll always be there, they’ll always have each others company and look after each other, and they’ll always be independent and strong.

We raise our children then turn to care for our parents. Natural order of things is all.

A Walk in the Park

Sharing some Tree Study photos I took on the weekend in a large Provincial Park that is also on an Island, right next to my Island. How lucky am I?

 

Lattice
Lattice

 

Wood Watcher
Wood Watcher

 

A Walk in the Park
Exposed

 

 

Opening
Opening

 

 

Cleave

 

 

Dk Brint
Arbutus Eye

 

 

DK Brint
Cleft

 

I choose vanity, I guess.

 

Does she or doesn’t she?

Well, she does, I mean I do and have been since my mid twenties. I’m talking about coloring ones hair, a prerogative mostly held by women, but I do personally know of at least two men who covered their grey. One who is 50 does it due to the persuasive encouragement from his wife. The other was someone I knew many years ago, and his reasons for covering up were because he greyed quite young and his wife of equal age looked like Polly Anna just graduating junior high. He actually hid the fact that he dyed his hair from her, until she found the Grecian Formula box, then he had to come clean, which amused her immensely.

I found my current hairdresser unintentionally because the woman who I had originally booked with was sick that day with short notice so they gave me Brian, which I didn’t mind, I never placed much loyalty on a hairdresser anyway. I was going to be leaving very soon for four months to work as the Baker at a fishing lodge in a remote area and I was hoping that the hairdresser could come up with a way to color my hair but that wouldn’t  leave a hard root line as it grew out, I didn’t know if they could even do such a thing.

Brian could. And as he covered my head in so many shiny foils-I swear I was picking up a lighthouse station in Patagonia- he told me of his ideas and plans of opening his own salon, how it would look, what services he would offer, like having a spa room for instance. When he was done with my hair I was so happy with it, I had no idea hair could look and feel so good. And three months later in the wilds of South East Alaska? Still gorgeous as it grew out.

15 years later from that first day, 12 of those years in his own beautiful salon, (A gorgeous heritage house in town, I was there when the ideas were hatching and watched it manifest!), he is still transforming my locks with my regular visits. We’ve moved away from foils; he’s using a product that not only continues to be good for my hair, but simply embellishes the lighter silver strands in my hair to become the soft highlights while the rest is toned to a warm medium blonde. Brilliant!

I figure it’s my one vanity/pamper expense, but then I think maybe vanity is too harsh a word. It makes me feel good, is that so bad? And if I am going to subject it to “processing” then I would rather have it done well and cared for and Brian’s my guy for that, the man has credentials! Not to mention our conversations are never superficial, we get into it. And the head massages are soo relaxing.

The day is coming very soon when I will have enough beautiful silver in my hair to begin to accentuate it rather than cover it, but for now, not too excited about salt and pepper. Only in my food, thanks.

And as far as hairdresser loyalty, I did see a different one once a couple of years back, a woman who operated a salon in my sisters apartment building and who my sister was a client and after commenting on how good her hair looked she suggested maybe I give a her a try.  So I did, and immediately felt – what? Guilt?  Because this tryst turned out the most mediocre of results on me, more like stripes of light blonde and dark and I knew I would have to face Brian eventually and explain when he sees it and thinks, ‘did I do this?’

So, I think I could now be classified as loyal.

 

Rorschach Test

 Everything we do and say during our lives is our public autobiography.

A proclamation to all that reveals our inner selves even though we may not intend it. Even if we think we are hiding our true selves.  All the choices we make say something about who we are.  Doesn’t matter the object,  the color,  the clothes,  our choice of words,  the music we listen to.  We reveal ourselves in all things.  Even the stories we fabricate speaks volumes about who we are;  even the lies we tell ourselves. There are no falsehoods, or illusions, everything is true.

What do you see when you look at someone,  when you listen to them? How do you respond or react to another and  what does that say about you? How do you interpret them? Responding to another persons behavior is a deep lesson to the one responding.  We can discover so much about ourselves just by paying attention to how we respond or react to another.  Opportunities are everywhere for self awareness,  with every encounter.

Give me a moment, I need to think this over.

 

IMG_2328

 

 

I had intended to rent my vinyl beach cabin till the end of March but I called the owner on Sunday to let her know I would be vacating at the end of this month.  It’s been three winters now that I rented away from home,  away from my husband.  When I go home on the weekends it just doesn’t feel long enough. It doesn’t help matters that when my husband works he is away for weeks at a time too. I feel out of touch with my home,  with my neighborhood.  Like a visitor.

At the moment my siblings and I are beginning  again to make arrangements to move our mother down to where we all live,  something I was trying to make happen last year because I said to myself,  husband and siblings that I can’t keep living  away form home like this.  But I can’t stand the thought of my mom up here by herself everyday until a weekend when one of us can come and take her out.  She’s unable to drive so she can’t just up and decide to head out on her own.  She’s a shut in.  It was my solution to rent near her although extreme maybe,  and because I was the more flexible of us,  the more independent of us, I don’t know, I just did what I knew I could do, wanted to do without question.

But I most certainly can’t anymore.  I’m feeling stress now.  Of course where my home is has a lot to do with my decision to rent up here, If my husband and I lived in town it would be much less stressful. A move for my mom must happen this summer,  so by the winter she’s settled.  I want her to  be part of our loop by living in our small city.  So my siblings, her grandchildren and great grandchildren and I can  without much arranging  swing by during our day or evening  and spend time with her.  One brother struggles with even affording the gas it takes to drive up here to see her in her current home,  my sister works all week 9-5, my other brother is nearly non existent other than the obligatory visits, but usually it’s just a phone call, on birthdays and christmas.

Gestures of moving her last summer was progressing,  but then it all got bogged down with financial questions that she wouldn’t be able to afford to live in a private Independent Care accommodation.  That maybe she could just increase her home nursing care instead and stay where she is. My mom is part of a Life Interest Estate from her second husband which involves its own set of logistics that had needed to be addressed early on in the process so we would know how to conduct the whole transaction of moving.  So another winter came and here I am.

Now we know she can afford the move and my siblings are now fully engaged.

Just needing to breath all this out, thank you for listening.